


The Hobbit: The Stuffed Animal Edition

by Hobbit4Lyfe



Series: Stuffed Animal Tolkien [1]
Category: The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-05-01 06:11:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 5,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5195147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbit4Lyfe/pseuds/Hobbit4Lyfe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the original musical version my sister and I wrote for a stuffed animal cast. Pre-Radio Edition. I don't own the lyrics used. Moved from FanFiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Scene 1

(Theme starts. Bilbo appears on one side of the stage. Frodo appears on the other.)  
Bilbo: Hi. I’m Bilbo Baggins.  
Frodo: I’m Frodo Baggins.  
Bilbo: You may think you know the story of the One Collar. You don’t. Trust us.  
Both: You don’t know the truth of the One Collar. Here is the real story.


	2. Scene 2

(Theme ends. Frodo is now offstage. Bilbo is on stage. The curtain opens to Bilbo sitting outside of Baggy Pants, his home. Gandalf walks up.)  
Gandalf: Ah, the Shire! I haven’t been here in years!   
Bilbo: It’s probably changed since you were last here, Mr… sorry, I don’t think I caught your name there, sir.  
Gandalf: You should very well know who I am, Bilbo Baggins. I’m Gandalf!  
Bilbo: Gandalf?! I haven’t seen you in forever! Now, I’m really busy, so I should be leaving now. Hope to see you again soon, Gandalf. How about tea on Friday? (Goes inside.)  
Bilbo: (From inside.) Tea on Friday! Why on earth did I say that?  
Gandalf: Whatever you say, Bilbo. Whatever you say.  
(The curtain closes.)  
Bilbo: (From backstage.) So, Gandalf was coming back the following Friday and I wasn’t ready. I was rushing, which I don’t normally do, when there was someone at the door. Thinking it was Gandalf, I opened it.


	3. Scene 3

(The curtain opens.)  
Bilbo: Hold on already! (Opens the door.)  
Fili and Kili: Fili and Kili at your service! (They go inside.)  
Bilbo: Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Where’s Gandalf?! (Closes the door as he leaves. There is another knock.) Oh good! Gandalf, I hope! (Opens the door. Oin and Gloin step in. Ori, Dori, and Nori sneak past Bilbo.)  
Oin and Gloin: Don’t forget us! Oin and Gloin at your service, too!  
(Bilbo starts to close the door when Balin and Dwalin appear through the door.)  
Bilbo: Two more dwarves “at my service,” right?  
Balin and Dwalin: Yes. Balin and Dwalin.  
(Bilbo closes the door and notices the dwarves rummaging around in one of his many pantries.)  
Bilbo: Hey! What are you doing?! Get out of there! Oh, look out the window. More dwarves!  
(Bilbo opens the door as one dwarf tries to get in, but is stuck.)  
Bombur: A little help, here!  
(Bifur and Bofur push as Bilbo pulls.)  
Bilbo: Can any of you other dwarves help?  
(The other dwarves come and help Bilbo, Bifur, and Bofur. Bombur comes out.)  
Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur: Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur…  
Bilbo: Yeah, yeah. At my service. I know. NOW WHERE’S GANDALF?  
Fili: Yeah, and Thorin too!  
Bilbo: Who’s Thorin?  
Kili: Our leader and friend. You’ll know him when you see him. Now, where are they?  
Thorin: We’re right here.  
Bilbo: So you’re this Thorin person.  
Oin: It’s a good thing you left the door open, Bilbo!  
Bilbo: How do you know who I am? How did Thorin and Gandalf get in here?  
Oin: It was on your door, to answer your first question.  
Gandalf: For your second, the door was wide open!  
Bilbo: Oh. Hold on a minute. Why are thirteen dwarves wrecking my hobbit hole?!  
Gandalf: They need you to help them with something. That’s why I brought them here.  
Bilbo: What do they need help with?  
Thorin: A dragon. But this one is the worst. His name is Smaug.  
Fili: How do you know he’s not a she?  
Thorin: That’s not the point. Could someone close the door? It’s getting a bit chilly in here.  
(Gandalf closes the door.)  
Thorin: That’s not the point, either. A while back, Smaug completely wiped out the city on the Lonely Mountain, Pail. Smaug then went into the Lonely Mountain and has never come out. Also, he is guarding the most prized possession of my father: the BarkenStitch.  
Fili and Kili: TA-DAAA!  
Bilbo: So, what you’re saying is, I have to get this Barkenthingy from a big, scary dragon? With the risk of death?! No way am I doing that! (Huddles up in the corner.)  
Thorin: I wasn’t done yet. I was going to say, if you do survive getting it and killing Smaug, you’ll get a fourteenth share. Actually, if any of us survive.  
Bilbo: Hear ye, hear ye!  
Dori: (who had dozed off) What? What’s going on?  
Bilbo: Even if there is a reward, I’m still not going.  
Thorin: I’m not done yet. The fourteenth share is not what you expect – untold riches beyond your wildest dreams. If you are coming, meet us at the Green Dragon tomorrow at 11 AM. We’ll give you a night to think.  
(The curtain closes.)  
Bilbo: That night, I had decided to go. But something the next morning threw me off track.


	4. Scene 4

(Music starts. The curtain opens to Bilbo outside his front door.)  
Bilbo: Whew! What a night! (Stretches and checks his watch.) Oh, no! It’s almost 11! I hope the dwarves haven’t left me!  
(Bilbo rushes to the Green Dragon and barely makes it.)  
Gandalf: Barely made it, Bilbo. Well, we’d better be off.  
Bilbo: I forgot breakfast.  
Thorin: Make it quick.  
(Bilbo eats as everyone starts off and finishes fast. The curtain closes briefly, and then reopens.)


	5. Scene 5

Oin: Are we there yet?  
Thorin: Oin! You’ve been asking that for the past three hours! For at least the hundredth time, NO!  
Oin: Oh. I thought we’d be there by now. It seemed a lot faster going to Bilbo’s. Are we there yet?  
Thorin: You’ve been asking that for the past three hours! For at least the hundred and first time, NO!  
Oin: Oh. I thought we’d be there by now. It seemed a lot faster going to Bilbo’s. Are we there yet?  
Thorin: You’ve been asking that for the past three hours! For at least the hundred and second time, NO!  
Oin: Oh. I thought we’d be there by now. It seemed a lot faster going to Bilbo’s. Are we there yet?  
Thorin: You’ve been asking that for the past three hours! For at least the hundred and third time, NO!  
Oin: Oh. I thought we’d be there by now. It seemed a lot faster going to Bilbo’s. Are we there yet?  
Thorin: You’ve been asking that for the past three hours! For at least the hundred and fourth time, NO!  
Oin: Oh. I thought we’d be there by now. It seemed a lot faster going to Bilbo’s. Are we there yet?  
Thorin: AAAAAHHHHHH!  
(The curtain closes briefly. It’s night when it reopens.)


	6. Scene 6

Bilbo: Who’re these other dwarves?  
Thorin: They’re Ori, Dori, and Nori.  
Bilbo: OK. (Looking around.) Hey! There’s a light up ahead! I’ll go check it out.  
(He goes offstage. The curtain closes briefly and reopens to four trolls.)


	7. Scene 7

William: We haven’t had anything decent, or even halfway decent, to eat in a month!  
(Music stops.)  
Bert: Yeah, Tom! What William said!  
Bob: AAAHHH! Tom is a troll! I’m scared of trolls! MOMMYYY!!!  
Tom: Bob! You’re a troll, too.  
Bob: Oh! I knew that!  
Tom: (Looking at Bilbo.) Hey! What’s that in the woods?!  
(Bilbo accidentally runs into the cave.)  
Bob: AAAHHH! It’s another troll!  
Bert: Bob! Get a hold of yourself! Not everything in the world is a troll! For instance… take that, um, thing that’s not a troll over there! (To Bilbo.) Yo! What are you?  
Bilbo: (Thinking about his “mission.”) I’m a bur… (Stopping himself.) A hobbit!  
William: So, you’re a burrahobbit, eh? Burrahobbit…  
William, Bert, and Tom: Get out of our cave!  
Bob: But, you know, it would be nice to have some company…  
Tom: Troll.  
Bob: AAAHHH! Mommy!  
(Bilbo doesn’t leave. Tom puts a bag over Bilbo.)  
Bilbo: (Muffled.) Helphelphelp!  
(The dwarves run up to save Bilbo, but end up getting bagged themselves. As the mess goes on, Oin doesn’t and escapes.)  
Oin: (Offstage.) Gandalf! Gandalf! Help! Everyone’s been caught by trolls!  
(It is now morning. The trolls are turned to stone. Gandalf and Oin get everyone out of the bags. Bombur gets stuck.)  
Bombur: (Muffled.) Help! I’m stuck in this bag!  
Thorin: Oin, Balin, Dori, Bifur, Bofur, and Kili, grab the bag. Gloin, Dwalin, Ori, Nori, grab Bombur’s feet.  
(Everyone starts pulling at the same time and gets Bombur out when Bombur flies up as everyone flies everywhere.)  
Dwarves: (All at slightly different times.) Ow! My head! That hurt!  
Bombur: (Muffled.) Hitting yourself in the head isn’t as bad as getting stuck on the ceiling! HELP!!!  
Gandalf: What do you see up there?  
Bombur: (Muffled.) Shiny stuff.  
Gandalf: What kind of shiny stuff?  
Bombur: (Muffled.) And sparkly stuff.  
Gandalf: What kind of sparkly stuff?  
Bombur: (Muffled.) OOOHHH! I think it’s gold and silver and diamonds and rubies and emeralds and lots of other stuff like we used to find in Pail!  
Gandalf sneaks away.  
Thorin: So that’s where the stuff we lost on the way to Bilbo’s disappeared to!  
Bilbo: Um, what about me, Bilbo?  
Kili: Go run into a wall while we get Bombur unstuck again.  
(Bilbo runs into the wall. Fili and Kili climb up the opposite wall and pull Bombur out. The three dwarves fall.)  
Fili: Ow! I think I broke my ankle!  
Bilbo: (Running into the wall.) You–ow–broke–ow–your–ow–ankle–ow? That’s–ow–nothing–ow–compared–ow–to–ow–breaking–ow–your–ow–face–ow! Can–ow–I–ow–stop–ow–now–ow?  
Thorin: Yes.  
Bilbo stops and falls to the floor.  
Bilbo: OW!!!  
Gloin: Enough with the ows! It’s getting really, really annoying! Kili, why did you make him start running into a wall?  
Kili: He wanted something to do! (Looking around.) Hey! Where’s Gandalf? He was here two minutes ago!  
Fili: Where’s who? Who’s Gandalf?  
Kili: Gandalf… You know, the wizard? The one that just disappeared?… We were both there! Good times! (Spacing out.) Good times…  
Gandalf sneaks back into the cave, as if being cued in.  
Fili: You know, that’s a good question! Where is he?  
Gandalf: We have no time to get your items from up there on the roof. We’ve already had too much of a break. Let’s go.  
Thorin: Well, at least he’s back.  
(The curtain closes.)  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) After we had left the troll cave, we had walked a few days. Gandalf was taking us to a place called Ruffendell. On the fourth day of our journey, the third from the cave, we were almost there.


	8. Scene 8

(The curtain opens.)  
Gandalf: Here we are. Ruffendell.  
Bilbo: Wow! I think this is the farthest I’ve been from home!  
Balin: Of course it is, you dolt!  
Bilbo: I’m not an idiot!  
Balin: I didn’t call you one!  
Bilbo: Well, you called me a dolt, which is technically an idiot.  
Balin: Oh. Let’s shut up now.  
Oin: These arguments are getting old, really fast.  
Gloin: There has only been one – Bilbo and Balin’s!  
Oin: I count three!  
Gloin: Which three? I don’t count three. Only one!  
Oin: The troll one, the Bilbo/Balin one, and this one!  
Gloin: That’s two, not three.  
Oin: Three!  
Gandalf: Balin’s right. Everyone be quiet before we go inside!  
(Gandalf knocks on the door.)


	9. Scene 9

(The curtain closes briefly. When it is reopened, Bilbo, Gandalf, and the dwarves are inside Ruffendell. Elrond enters.)  
Elrond: Welcome to Ruffendell. I am Elrond, owner of all the elves!  
Gandalf: No, you’re not!  
Elrond: Well, I am Elrond, and I do own Ruffendell, and I am an Elf!  
Bilbo: Cool!  
Elrond: Gandalf, which one of your friends is Bilbo?  
Gandalf: He’s the hobbit. The other thirteen are dwarves – Oin, Gloin, Balin, Dwalin, Ori, Dori, Nori, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Fili, Kili, and, last but not least, Thorin.  
Elrond: I always get hobbits and dwarves confused now. I’ll probably remember in the future if you remind me which are which.  
Gandalf: Well, they’re…  
Bilbo: Hobbits are small with furry feet and like peace, quiet, and good farmland. Oh, and food! Lots of it!  
Gandalf: What he said!  
Elrond: Now, you must be on your way.  
Gloin: But we just got here!  
Elrond: (Kind of spacey.) It does not matter. You are reaching the most dangerous part of your journey. You must go through Woodmirk. It is not the fastest way to the Lonely Mountain, but it is the least troublesome. When you are there, you will come across a river. Do not drink from it. Do not even touch it. You will fall asleep for a long time. (Back to normal.) Goodbye!  
(The curtain closes.)


	10. Scene 10

Fili: (Offstage.) I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all. Where’d Gandalf run off to this time?  
(The curtain opens to Bilbo and the dwarves in a forest. Gandalf is gone.)  
Bilbo: OK. We’ve been walking in here for two days. Gandalf isn’t here. We’re coming close to that river. Now what?  
Thorin: Look! The river isn’t that wide! But it still may be deep. (Looking around.) Let’s use that boat over there!  
(Everyone goes over to the river.)  
Thorin: O… kay… It’s wider than I thought. There’s fourteen of us. First, we’ll put the smallest in the boat. Then Bombur will go. Then, we’ll go in twos.  
(First is Ori, Dori, and Nori. Then Bombur. Then Bifur and Bofur. Then Fili and Kili. Then Oin and Gloin. Then Balin and Dwalin. Last is Thorin and Bilbo.)  
Fili and Kili: We’ll go get our stuff.  
Bilbo: (As they leave.) What stuff?!  
(As the two dwarves come back, the boat sinks. At the last second, Bilbo pulls them out of the water.)  
Bilbo: We nearly lost two dwarves, who fell asleep, and we lost this “stuff.”  
Oin: What was the stuff?  
Thorin: They probably snuck some of the things Bombur found at the cave.  
(Goblins sneak up and drag everyone to a nearby mountain. They accidentally drop Bilbo, who was knocked out. The curtain closes.)


	11. Scene 11

Bilbo: (Offstage.) So I was now lost, alone, and out cold in a cave that was in the middle of a strange forest.  
Frodo: (Offstage.) Hey! When do I come in?  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) Not for at least half an act, Frodo.  
Frodo: (Offstage.) Oh. Well, continue your part, Bilbo.  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) Well, anyways. I’d recovered quickly, which was about a day.  
Frodo: (Offstage.) He was now gone for a week, and when he realized where he was, he thought he saw a collar.  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) I thought I must’ve been seeing things. I mean, why would a collar be lying around in a random spot in the middle of some cave?  
(The curtain opens.)  
Bilbo: Where am I? (Looking around.) Hey! Is that a collar? (Goes up to it.) It is! I think I’ll keep it in my pocket… even though I don’t think I have a pocket. (Puts the collar away.) I think I’ll go explore.  
(He starts walking around.)


	12. Scene 12

(The curtain closes briefly. When it reopens, there is a cave lake. Bilbo walks in and hears noises.)  
Bilbo: Hello? Who’s there?  
Gollum: (Screaming.) My precious! It’s gone forever! WAAAH!  
Bilbo: Um, can you help me find my way out of here?  
Gollum: Do you have it?  
Bilbo: Have what?  
Gollum: My precioussssssss!  
Bilbo: Um, no!  
Gollum: I will show you the way out of here if you play a little riddle game.  
Bilbo: OK. I guess. You go first.  
Gollum: What’s black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white and red?  
Bilbo: A newspaper rolling down a hill. My turn. I run all day, but the only part of me that moves are my hands. What am I?  
Gollum: A clock. What’s round and green, small and long?  
Bilbo: A collar…d. What do I have in my pocket? To be fair, three guesses.  
Gollum: A string?  
Bilbo: No, but a string could come in handy.  
Gollum: Air?  
Bilbo: It could be, but it isn’t.  
Gollum: A thing… or nothing!  
Bilbo: No! That was four guesses! It was a trick question! I don’t even have pockets, you idiot!  
Gollum: I bet you stole my precious!  
Bilbo: What is your “precious?”  
Gollum: What do you have? Is it my precioussss?  
Bilbo: I won’t tell you unless you tell me what your precious is!  
(Bilbo puts on the collar. He reaches for a shiny object–a sword–and notices his hand is gone. Gollum jumps at Bilbo and misses.)  
Gollum: Where issss he?  
Bilbo: (Quietly.) Well, Bilbo Baggins! Wait until the Shire hears that you can disappear! No. I won’t say anything.  
(He runs to the side of the cave.)  
Gollum: I can hear him. But where is he? I’ll go find him.  
(Gollum runs off and goes away. Bilbo follows. The curtain closes.)


	13. Scene 13

Thorin: (Offstage.) Hey. You can’t forget about us dwarves. Here’s what we did while Bilbo was getting out of his mess.  
(The curtain opens. The dwarves are spread out in front of the Great Goblin.)  
Great Goblin: I told you there were fourteen! I want all fourteen! Where is the fourteenth one?!  
Wayne: I thought he was with me!  
Great Goblin: Well, go find him, you idiots!  
Gandalf: No you won’t!  
Dwarves: Gandalf! Yay!  
Goblins: Gandalf! No!  
(The curtain closes.)  
Thorin: (Offstage.) What happened next was too, well, secret for anyone to hear or see. After that, Gandalf had gotten us out of there. That was our day six. We wanted to rest for a day, the day Bilbo escaped the caves. Hey, Bilbo! You can finish telling your side of the story!  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) OK. Back to where I left the caves. It was the end of our first week out. In the story you people know, it took forever to get to this part.  
Frodo: (Offstage.) Bilbo, just get on with the story.  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) Well, I still had the collar on, and it was getting dark.  
Legolas: (Offstage.) Am I in this part?  
Frodo: (Offstage.) Be quiet, Legolas. You don’t come in until halfway through the next act!  
Legolas: (Offstage.) Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, whatever.  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) Anyways, when I finally met up with the dwarves…  
Legolas: (Offstage.) Dwarves? What dwarves? OK. I’ll shut up now.  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) When I finally met up with the dwarves, Gandalf was back. Everyone was wondering where I was, so I took off the collar.


	14. Scene 14

(The curtain opens.)  
Ori: I wish Bilbo was here.  
Nori: Me too.  
Gandalf: If he’s not back by morning, we’ll have to leave without him. Then you’d have to fend for yourselves.  
(Bilbo walks up and takes off the ring.)  
Dwarves: Bilbo!  
(Samwise pops up out of nowhere.)  
Sam: HI, PEOPLE!  
Dori: Who are you?  
Sam: I’ll go away.  
(He walks away.)  
Thorin: O…kay… Who was that?  
Bilbo: Don’t know. Don’t care.  
Gandalf: Let’s go.  
Bilbo & Dwarves: NOT AGAIN!  
(All walk offstage. The curtain closes.)  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) Not too much later, Gandalf disappeared again. By the way, Sam, you’re not in the story.  
Sam: (Offstage.) Sorry! Anyways…  
Bilbo and Frodo: (Offstage.) Hey! We’re telling the story!  
Sam: (Offstage.) Bye!  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) When we noticed Gandalf was gone, I put the collar back on. Then the dwarves were captured again. This time, by elves, who took them to, well, I won’t say.  
Sam and Frodo: (Offstage.) Aw, come on!  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) The dwarves were taken to more caves.


	15. Scene 15

(The curtain opens. Bilbo has on the Collar. The dwarves are in separate rooms, locked up.)  
Thorin: Bilbo, if you can hear us, help! We’re each locked in a separate room!  
(Four elves come in with 14 barrels.)  
Elf 1: Well, thirteen of these are empty. The last one has a bit left.  
Elf 2: Hey! Let’s use up that last bit and have a little drink!  
(The four empty the barrel and take a little drink. Soon after, they fall flat on the floor, face down.)  
Bilbo: Hey, guys! I’ll steal the keys and stuff you in barrels!  
Nori: Why? Is that our escape plan?  
Bilbo: DUH!  
Ori: Figures.  
Bilbo: (As getting barrels, which float.) Well, at least I’m not a good-for-nothing!  
(He unlocks each door and stuffs each dwarf in a barrel. Then he pushes the barrels into a nearby river.)  
Thorin: (As rolling.) Hey! What about… (Underwater.) …You!  
Bilbo: Tell you when we get wherever!  
(He climbs on the last barrel, which is in the water. The curtain closes.)  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) So, we were at a lake town on the morning of day eight.  
Frodo: (Offstage.) Then, after breakfast, and second breakfast, and elevenses, they were finally at the Lonely Mountain and the town of Pail.  
Sam: (Offstage.) By the way, Bilbo got to Ruffendell faster because he went on the road, in a straight path, with barely any stops. Mr. Frodo and I, with Merry and Pippin, went, we stayed off the road, made a pit stop in Tree, and took more stops for longer times.  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) What does that have to do with getting to Pail?  
Sam: (Offstage.) Just straightening out a few things.


	16. Scene 16

(The curtain opens. Bilbo and the dwarves are right outside the secret door to Smaug’s Cave.)  
Thorin: We can’t get in until tonight!  
Bilbo: Why not?  
Thorin: I just now remembered that it’s Durin’s Day.  
Bilbo: Durin’s Day? What does that have to do with getting the door open?  
Bombur: Everything! By the way, can you help me get out of this barrel?  
(His arms, head, and feet are sticking out of the barrel. The dwarves pull the barrel off Bombur.)  
Bombur: Durin was a distant relative of Thorin. He made a secret door to get into the mountain.  
Thorin: And you can only open it by moonrise on Durin’s Day.  
Bilbo: Time for lunch!  
(The curtain closes.)  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) Nothing much happened from then until the moon came out, so let’s skip to that part.


	17. Scene 17

(The curtain opens. Bilbo walks into a room and sees the BarkenStitch. Soon after, he sees Smaug.)  
Bilbo: Yay! The BarkenStitch!  
Fili and Kili: (From outside.) TA-DAAA!  
Smaug: SNORE!  
Bilbo: Oh no! Smaug!  
Smaug: (Who is really awake.) I hear you, burglar. But, I can't see you. Where are you?  
Bilbo: (Trying to lie.) I'm… on your tail!  
Smaug: (Getting suspicious.) Well, then, you must be very, very light. I cannot feel you on my tail.  
Bilbo: (Jumps.) Ha! Now I'm off your tail. Now, if you don't mind, I need to burgle something.  
Smaug: Help yourself. There's plenty here. Take anything. Except…  
(Bilbo takes the BarkenStitch and runs.)  
Smaug: Darn you burglar! I was in the middle of saying that you can't take the BarkenStitch!  
Fili and Kili: (From outside.) TA-DAAA!  
(The curtain closes.)  
Smaug: (Offstage.) Feel the wrath of the Fire of Smaug!  
(He blows out a bunch of fire.)


	18. Scene 18

(The curtain opens. Bilbo comes running out of the door, on fire. He takes the collar off.)  
Bilbo: I’m back!  
Thorin: Did you get it?  
Bilbo: No questions until you help me.  
Fili: What do you need help with?  
Bilbo: EXTINGUISH MY BUTT!  
Nori: (Grabbing and stopping Bilbo.) First stop!  
Dori: (Pushing Bilbo to the ground.) Then drop!  
Ori: (Rolling Bilbo around.) And roll!  
Bilbo: Enough! Enough!  
(Ori stops rolling Bilbo.)  
Bilbo: I have the BarkenStitch!  
Fili and Kili: TA-DAAA!  
Thorin: Thanks! (Gets it from Bilbo.) Now, all you have to do is kill Smaug!  
Bilbo: I was so scared when I first went in that I forgot! Well, bye!  
(He goes in the door again. The curtain closes.)  
Frodo: (Offstage.) So, now you were back in the cave.  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) Yep. Oh, wait. I just realized that I was in the third cave that I had been in that trip.  
Sam: (Offstage.) Just continue.


	19. Scene 19

(The curtain opens. Bilbo is in the cave. He forgot to put the collar on.)  
Smaug: Who are you?  
Bilbo: The burglar.  
Smaug: Ha! Now I can see you! Looks like you can’t pull off your trick any longer!  
Bilbo: (Feels around for the collar, which he is holding.) Oops!  
Smaug: Well, now that you’re here, burgle something else! By the way, if you’ve been sent in here to kill me, you can’t. I have jewels all over me, so I don’t have anywhere vulnerable.  
Bilbo: (Looking at a tiny, unnoticed empty patch.) Hey! Why do you have that bald patch?  
Smaug: Where?  
Bilbo: There!  
(He stabs Smaug with the sword he found, Sting.)  
Smaug: AAAUGH!  
(Smaug dies. The curtain closes.)


	20. Scene 20

Legolas: (Offstage.) Smaug is gone! Smaug is gone! YAY!  
Sam: (Offstage.) Will you shut up?! Anyways, Gandalf had come back, and four days later, they were back at Ruffendell.  
Bilbo: (Offstage.) How’d you know?  
Sam: (Offstage.) Mr. Frodo told me.  
Frodo: (Offstage.) Heh heh! OK. Moving on back to the story.  
(The curtain opens to outside Ruffendell again.)  
Bilbo: Since we’re at Ruffendell, can we stay longer than TWO MINUTES this time?  
Gandalf: Yes.  
(The curtain closes.)


	21. Scene 21

Sam: (Offstage.) It’s now day 12. Now back to the show!  
(The curtain opens to the room that Bilbo is staying in. Bilbo is writing and humming. Thorin walks in.)  
Thorin: Since we’ll be staying here for a few days, we need to entertain ourselves.  
Bilbo: Don’t worry. I am.  
Thorin: What’re you writing?  
Bilbo: You’ll find out when we’re close to the Shire.  
(Elrond walks in.)  
Elrond: What’s taking you so long, Thorin? I thought you said you were getting Bilbo!  
Thorin: We’re coming!  
(The curtain closes.)


	22. Scene 22

Bilbo: (Offstage.) We were going to stay for three days. On day 15, our last day, the dwarves did something that they had made up.  
(The curtain opens to the Great Hall in Ruffendell. Gandalf walks in with Bilbo. Elrond follows.)  
Bilbo: So, why am I awake at 3 AM?  
Gandalf: You have to go home.  
Bilbo: AT 3 AM?!  
Elrond: Yes.  
(Gandalf and Elrond go offstage.)  
Bilbo: Hey! Where are you going? Where are the dwarves?  
(Music starts: Jump 5’s “All I Can Do.”)  
Dwarves: (Offstage.) It’s like I’ve got nothing to do but think about you.  
(Dwarves come in.)  
Balin: All I can do, all I can do, all I can do.  
Dwalin: Think about, think about you.  
Thorin: Every day is a new day.  
Oin: And I don’t have to pretend.  
Gloin: All my friends think I’m crazy.  
Balin and Dwalin: But I don’t want this to end.  
Ori, Dori, and Nori: When I have the chance, I wanna say to you, wishin’ I could take back what I put you through. I’ll never do it again.  
Balin: Do it again, do it again.  
(Bilbo walks to the side of the stage.)  
Fili and Kili: We’re like oil and water, still we somehow mix.  
Bifur, Bofur, and Bombur: What used to be broken is somehow fixed. It’s hard to explain.  
Dwalin: Hard to explain.  
Dori: I know some people say that opposites attract. If that’s the truth, then we, we will be together forever.  
Dwarves: It’s like I’ve got nothing to do but think about you. I’ve got all the time in the world. If you look at my heart, you’ll know from the start that it’s all I can do not to think about you.  
Balin and Dwalin: All I can do, all I can do, all I can do.  
Thorin: I gave you a good reason.  
Oin: To walk in that door.  
Gloin: Let me tell you, I’ve learned a thing or two.  
Balin and Dwalin: I’m so amazed at the things you do.  
Fili and Kili: Now don’t let me go, oh no.  
Nori: I know some people say that opposites attract. If that’s the truth, then we were meant to be together forever.  
Dwarves: It’s like I’ve got nothing to do but think about you. I’ve got all the time in the world.  
Nori: Time in the world.  
Dwarves: If you look at my heart, you’ll know from the start that it’s all I can do not to think about you.  
Balin and Dwalin: All the time.  
Ori: I know some people say that opposites attract. If that’s the truth, then we, we belong together forever.  
Dwarves: It’s like I’ve got nothing to do but think about you. I’ve got all the time in the world.  
Bombur: Yeah, yeah, yeah.  
Dwarves: If you look at my heart, you’ll know from the start that it’s all I can do not to think about you. Nothing to do but think about you. I’ve got all the time in the world.  
Bifur and Bofur: Time in the world.  
Dwarves: If you look at my heart, you’ll know from the start that it’s all I can do not to think about you.  
Balin and Dwalin: You.  
(Music stops.)  
Bilbo: Get your stuff ready. Gandalf said we have to go.  
(The curtain closes.)


	23. Scene 23

(When the curtain reopens, Bilbo, Gandalf, and the dwarves are near the Shire.)  
Bilbo: Time for my song!  
Thorin: Yay!  
(Music starts: Enya’s “On My Way Home.”)  
Bilbo: I have been given one moment from heaven. Paths I am walking, surrounded by night. Stars high above me, make a wish under moonlight. I’m on my way home. I remember only good days. I’m on my way home. I can remember every new day. I move in silence with each step taken. Snow falling ‘round me like angels in flight. Far in the distance is my wish under moonlight. I’m on my way home. I remember only good days. I’m on my way home. I remember all the best days. I’m on my way home. I can remember every new day. I’m on my way home. I remember only good days. I’m on my way home. I remember only good days.  
(Music ends. The curtain closes.)


	24. Scene 24

Sam: (Offstage.) It’s Day 15 at 11:00 AM.  
Frodo: (Offstage.) When everyone got back, there was something unexpected at Baggy Pants.  
(The curtain opens to an auction at Baggy Pants.)  
Auctioneer: OK, everyone. Time for the auction.  
(Nobody pays attention.)  
Auctioneer’s Assistant: (Yelling.) PAY ATTENTION! THE AUCTIONEER SAYS IT’S TIME TO START!  
(Everyone pays attention. Bilbo, the dwarves, and Gandalf walk in.)  
Auctioneer and Assistant: The auction is now over. Please return all items to their original places.  
(The Sackville–Bagginses, Lobelia, Otho, and Lotho, are shocked to see Bilbo back, since they want Baggy Pants. All hobbits leave, except the auctioneer, the assistant, the Sackville–Bagginses, and Bilbo.)  
Lobelia: Oh no! Bilbo’s back!  
Otho: Now we can’t have Baggy Pants!  
Lotho: No Baggy Pants? Noooo! Say it isn’t so!  
(They run off.)  
Auctioneer: Is everything back, assistant?  
Assistant: A few spoons are missing, but who really cares about a few dumb spoons?  
Bilbo: ME! IT’S MY HOUSE!  
(The auctioneers run off.)  
Bilbo: Oh! I forgot everyone else was here!  
Gandalf: Well, the dwarves have to go back to Pail to try to rebuild it.  
Thorin: We do?  
Bilbo: You definitely should! It’s a mess inside that cave! By the way, Oin was right. It did seem faster coming home.  
Oin: Ha ha, Thorin! I was right!  
Thorin: We should go.  
Dwarves: Bye, Bilbo!  
(The dwarves walk offstage.)  
Oin: (Offstage.) Are we there yet?  
Thorin: (Offstage.) Will someone put tape over Oin’s mouth?  
Dori, Nori, and Ori: (Offstage.) I’m on my way home. I remember only good days. I’m on my way home. I remember all the best days. I’m on my way home. I can remember every new day.  
Gandalf: Well, it looks like this part of your journey is over.  
Bilbo: I guess so.  
(The curtain closes. End of Act 1. Bilbo and Frodo come out to where they were in the beginning.)  
Bilbo: OK, Frodo. Now you can tell your part of the story of the collar.  
Frodo: I think we should take a break. Be back in 15 minutes, everyone!  
(Bilbo and Frodo go offstage.)  
TO BE CONTINUED.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Hobbit: The Radio Spoof Edition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5197502) by [Hobbit4Lyfe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hobbit4Lyfe/pseuds/Hobbit4Lyfe)




End file.
